Reccing Notes: Her snark.is.the.best.ever. Also, don't tell me you didn't want to see this continuation to Hex. with Davis. and Willow references. Lets just say Zatanna's spell goes out of control. Everyone starts getting their wishes granted. Including Davis.
also, madmartrigan!
by seriousfic
2603 words, pg-13, hex
“I’m married to Davis Bloome and he wants to impregnate me!”
Chloe woke up, put on her slippers, and went to her mirror. Still Chloe. She’d never been so grateful for being a blonde. Even with her marriage in shambles, Brainiac was gone, Lex was gone, and things were finally back to as normal as they were liable to get.
Her iPhone rang.
Chloe sighed. Well, it had been nice while it lasted. “Hello?” she answered.
“Lois?”
“No, Chloe.”
“Oh, good, you switched back.”
“Zatanna!”
“Right in one! Just calling to say sorry again for swapping our your body.”
“That’s okay. It was actually a little fun. Construction workers whistled at me unironically.”
“Good for you. Hey, as long as I’ve got you on the line, have you noticed anything odd lately?”
“Like what?”
Davis walked by Chloe’s bedroom door, wearing nothing but a towel. On his shoulder. Chloe dropped the phone. “Hey honeybunches of oats, shower time. You in?”
Chloe mutely shook her head.
“Right, phone call. Left some bacon for you on the counter. Bon appetite.”
He walked off.
Chloe put the phone back to her ear. “Zatanna, there’s a naked man in my apartment.”
“Is he cute?”
“Not really my point.”
Chloe had to sit down. She was just noticing all the pictures of her and Davis together, and the bed big enough for two, and the handcuffs on her headboard. Which she really didn’t want to think about.
“Listen, it’s not my fault. I was working on a spell to increase my powers—“
“Increase your powers? You grant wishes!”
“But these would be big wishes, like world peace, an end to world hunger, a fourth season of Veronica Mars.”
“I did like that show.” Chloe noticed the wedding ring on her finger. It had a pretty big diamond. “So what went wrong?”
“It backfired! Went back and gave new wishes to everyone I… helped. You remember the man who wanted to speak dead languages?”
“Yeah?”
“He’s a Viking now.”
“Oh. Not in the Minnesota way, I suppose.”
“So, were you wishing for anything at 3AM last night?”
Davis stepped in front of her door again, wearing nothing but a towel—thankfully around his waist—and lots of moisture. “Want it while its clean?”
Chloe tried to hang onto the phone. “It’s a very important call.”
“Okay. But I hear it’s very hard to get pregnant without,” his eyebrows weaved up and down.
Chloe followed his eyebrows until a call on the house-phone pulled him away. She jammed the phone to her ear again. “We’re trying to get pregnant!”
“We are?” Zatanna asked.
“I’m married to Davis Bloome and he wants to impregnate me!”
“Is he cute?”
“That’s not the point!”
“That’s not a no.”
“Alright! He’s got a stomach like he’s smuggling paint rollers, are you happy?”
“I was looking for something more in the realm of penis. Is it bigger than a breadbox?”
“Will that help break the spell?”
“Oh, right, the spell. Listen, he’s under a love spell, so it would be unethical to,” Chloe pictured Zatanna’s eyebrows weaving up and down, “got it?”
“No yankee his wankee, got it.”
“Also, try to keep anyone else from making wishes. The magic is wild, there’s no telling what it could do. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
“Will you be riding a magical beast?”
“Greyhound.”
***
Chloe went to the Daily Planet, where an intern was waiting for her with coffee and a bagel. As this happened even when she wasn’t bewitched, Chloe wondered about the frequency of her trips to the Daily Planet. She didn’t correct the intern’s assumption that she was an employee, though. It was a damn good cup of joe.
“Clark! Did you make any wishes at 3 AM last night?”
Lois looked up from her workstation to the blonde standing between her and Clark. “What, is Zatanna back to her old tricks? What would that make you, Jimmy? In my cousin’s body?”
“No, I’m Chloe.”
Lois leaned past her to see Clark. “Then I suppose Lex is inside you!”
“No, he’s still Clark.”
“Then… who am I?”
“You’re Lois.”
“Oh, right, that explains the unironic whistling I’ve been getting from construction workers.”
Clark stood up. “To answer your question, Chloe, I was watching Wild Things and… no, that was at 2:30. Darn. Then T2 came on and I wished my best friend was alive to watch it with me.”
Lex walked up. Chloe squeaked and stomped on his foot.
“Chloe! I also wished he wasn’t evil!”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Lex hopped up and down on one foot. “You’re lucky I’m not evil.”
Chloe frantically marshaled her blonde power. “Listen, so long as you’re all here, I have to warn you not to wish for anything. Zatanna’s spell is out of control and there’s no telling what could happen.”
A man at the next desk over jumped up, shouting “I just won the lotto! A million bucks!”
“That could just as easily have been a billion boy-deers,” Chloe said defensively.
“Yes!” shouted a man at the next next desk over, “The state approved a new wildlife preserve! A million bucks, safe from toxic waste!”
“What’s so great about wildlife preserves?” Chloe asked.
“My penis is 15-inches long!”
“It’s not the size that counts, it’s what you do with it!” Chloe shouted back. “Lex, have you been wishing?!”
“What makes you say that, Miss Sullivan?”
“You didn’t have an afro before.”
“I’ll thank you to call her Sylvia.” Lex ran a hand through his perm. “My precious.”
***
By the time Zatanna arrived at the bus station, it was raining jelly beans and the front page of the Daily Planet was nude pictures of Christian Bale. She got off the bus to find Chloe and Lois waiting for her. “Good thing I made worrywoad one of the spell components, so no real harm can be done.”
“It’s raining jelly beans! They kinda sting!” Lois said. “I think one of them broke the skin.”
“Was it licorine?”
“Obviously.”
“Excuse me, I’m a little married over here!” Chloe said.
“Relax,” Zatanna said. “If I can take care of Barack Obama’s marriage, I can take care of yours.”
“But Obama is married.”
“Exactly. To a woman.” Zatanna winked.
***
Chloe walked into her apartment, Zatanna at her side. The magician thought it’d help her to reverse the wishes if she found the first one. They found Davis reclining on the bearskin rug in front of a raging fire, George Michael’s Careless Whisper playing on the stereo. He was wearing nothing but whipped cream.
“I don’t have a stereo,” Chloe said. “Or a bearskin rug. Or a fireplace. Or whipped cream anymore, I guess.”
“Chloe, thought you might come home early, wondered if you might like a snack.”
“Chloe, you cannot have sex with him,” Zatanna said.
“You can stay,” Davis said.
“Chloe, you have got to have sex with him.”
“Zatanna! How would you like it if Davis used a wish to make wild monkey love to you?” There was a long pause. “Don’t think about it! That’s my wish-husband you’re fantasizing about!”
“Wish?”
“It’s a long story,” Chloe said.
“Magic is real,” Zatanna said.
“So whatever I wish could come true. Hmm…” Davis rubbed his chin.
“Don’t even think it!”
“But I could bring about world peace! End world hunger! Bring back Veronica Mars for a fourth season!”
“My wishes aren’t powerful enough to do that,” Zatanna said.
“Oh,” Davis said, crestfallen. “Then I suppose I couldn’t wish myself into—“ Davis suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“Davis!” Chloe cried.
Davis stepped out of the smoke, wearing armor and holding a sword. “Who the hell is Davis? I am the greatest swordsman who ever lived.”
They stared at him in conusion.
“Madmartigan!”
They kept staring.
“From the 1988 hit Willow?”
“Didn’t that movie flop?” Zatanna asked.
Davis reached for his sword.
“But I hear it did great overseas.”
Chloe thought about the way Davis had looked at her that morning. It’d been so warm, loving, like she was the only other thing in the world to him. The polar opposite of the hurried glances Clark gave her before speeding off. No, it was like—how he always looked at her, minus the twitchiness that she guessed came from wanting her approval. Se realized with a treacherous blush that she missed that look, now that he was staring at her like a stranger. “Isn’t he supposed to be my wish-husband?”
“Hahaha!” Davis laughed, his helmet’s horsehair flying back. “All fair maidens dream of being wed to Madmartigan, but my heart is well-armored against all attacks.” He put his arm around Zatanna. “But… maybe with someone like you I could let down my guard and share my awful burden. It’s… it’s hard being the greatest swordsman in the world. Tough making friends.”
Zatanna threw glowing dust in his face.
”Davis!” Chloe yelled. “If you hurt him, I will heal the shit out of you!”
“Relax, it’s just a little love spell.”
Davis straightened, staring at Chloe. “An angel! Oh, spirits, let me be worthy of hearing your messenger’s name!”
Chloe gave Zatanna a look.
“You were complaining he didn’t love you anymore.”
“That was an observation, not an invitation to give him a spell roofie!”
“A spell?” Davis asked. “Yes, a spell to light the darkest corners of my soul with blessed light! Please, tell me your name, beauty of beauties! Don’t let me suffer in ignorance any longer!”
Chloe’s mouth was hanging open. No one had ever talked to her like that. Well, except for that time Clark had drunk-dialed Lana and gotten the wrong number. She probably shouldn’t have kept it on her voice-mail for so long. Or specifically erased the parts where he called her Lana.
“She’s Chloe,” Zatanna introduced.
“Yes, of course, that makes perfect sense! What else could my love be named? I love you, Chloe, I love everything about you! I love that blouse. Did you get it on sale?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Your savvy trickster’s mind arouses me like a minx!”
“Isn’t a minx a kind of animal?” Zatanna asked.
“Shut up, Zatanna,” Chloe said.
Davis looked deep into her eyes, taking hold of her arms in a classic clinch. “Chloe, I’m the greatest swordsman who ever lived.” He tapped his blade. “But this isn’t the sword.” He looked over at Zatanna to make sure she was keeping up. “The sword is my—“
A hatted shadow fell across them. “Let her go!”
Chloe looked up. It was a man, wearing a beat-up leather jacket and a similarly battered fedora.
“Olsen!” Davis spat.
“You can call me Dr. Olsen.” He tipped his hat to Chloe. “And you can call me Indy.”
“What’re you doing here?”
“That depends on how reasonable we’re all willing to be. All I want is the girl!”
“She’s more girl than a peck like you can handle!”
“Don’t call me a peck, I’m not short, I’m average!”
“The hat doesn’t count!”
“Says you!” Jimmy threw out his whip, catching a rafter, and swung down.
Davis stepped out of the way. Jimmy hit the wall.
“Peck!” Davis insulted. “Peck-peck-peck-peck-peck-peck!”
Jimmy got up, looking more Kingdom of the Crystal Skull than Raiders of the Lost Ark.
“Jimmy, seriously, what are you doing?” Chloe demanded.
“I don’t know, I’m making this up as I go.”
Davis unsheathed his sword, twirling it in a series of expert flourishes.
Jimmy wearily drew his gun and shot Davis. The bullet ricocheted off his armor and hit Zatanna’s top hat.
“That does it!” Zatanna yelled. “You want to fight, you can do it like the Greeks of old!”
“Which ones, Hellenistic or Classical?” Jimmy asked.
“You know the ones I mean! Thgif! Thgif! Thgif!”
***
Lex strutted down the streets of Metropolis, Stayin’ Alive blasting through his iPod and the wind in his afro. No longer did he have cause to envy his father’s luscious mane, his friend Clark’s ebon tresses, or Chloe’s sassy blonde ‘do. Now, he had the power. Now, he had hair. He'd even garnered some unironic whistles from lady construction workers.
He saw Tess walking down the street and sidled up to her, running his pick through his afro one last time. “Tess, you’re looking lovely as ever. How’s business?”
“It’s… it’s so big…” She forced herself to look down at his face. “I mean, good, Ollie and I had a merger, I mean!, our companies had a merger. In bed.”
“Sounds nice. I hope he was long enough. I hear he’s cut his hair short. Some men don’t have the protein to get their hair thick and soft, with a bit of a curl.”
“Don’t torture me, Lex! Let me touch it. You don’t know how much product Ollie uses!”
“I want my company back.”
“I’ll do it!”
“And I want you to mix some colors in with Ollie’s whites so all his laundry comes out pink.”
“Anything!”
“And I want you to wear flannel again when we make love.”
“But Lex, it itches.”
“Too bad, I was going to let you put my hair in braids.”
“Damn you. Done!”
As Tess touched the magnificent burnished bronze of Lex’s afro, she thought about how silly it was that so many people were using their wishes for such frivolous uses. Her spies were reporting people becoming James Bond, Han Solo, and Xena (and Perry White really didn’t have the legs for that outfit). Why would someone want to be a pop culture icon when they could wish for money or fame or… or…
Lex looked up as a now pink-haired Tess sang boldly “Jem is truly outrageous, truly-truly-truly outrageous!”
That was when Chloe and Zatanna arrived.
“Is that Tess Mercer dressed as Jem?” Chloe asked. “Who would want to be Jem?”
“Yeah,” Zatanna answered morosely. “Who would ever want that?”
“This has gone on long enough, Zatanna, someone could get hurt!”
“You’re right. Hguone htiw eht sehsiw!
Tess stopped singing and Lex’s hair fell out.
“Hey!”
“Oh, alright, Eniagor!”
Lex grew a mullet. He patted it. “It’ll have to do. Quick, Tess, to the Lex Salon!”
“You could’ve done that all along?” Chloe asked.
“I know, I know, but it’d be wrong to put the toupee people out of business.”
“I mean undoing the wishes!”
“A girl can’t be curious?”
Chloe’s phone rang. She answered it. “Hey, it’s Davis. Why am I naked with Jimmy in a full nelson? Besides the obvious reason, I mean. Of causing him pain. And what happened to all my whipped cream, I was just at the store?”
“It’s a long story. I’ll explain later.”
“Over dinner?”
“Why not?”
“You did the right thing!”
***
“Another crisis averted,” Chloe said, checking her hair in the mirror of a switched-off computer monitor.
“Just in time too.” Clark typed another paragraph of his article. “Someone wished for Lois to ride me like a pony. With sugar cubes when I was a good horsey.”
“People can be so perverted,” Lois said, looking around. “It’s too bad we’ll never figure out who that sicko was. Never ever. Speaking of completely unrelated subjects, Chloe! I hear you have a hot date! After all, you’ve always wanted Madmartigan to fall in love with you, ever since that story you wrote in fourth grade…”
Chloe looked up from touching up her make-up. “Hey! Princess Amber Valeria was an entirely original creation, not in any way a surrogate for me! And besides, he’s not Madmartigan anymore. The spell left absolutely no side effects.”
***
Davis felt it rising in him again. The power, the confidence, the thrill. He couldn’t hold it back any longer. With three words, he let himself transform.
“I…
“feel…
“BETTER!”
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